The Fight! The fight for survival! The fight to live!
The who.. The what.. The why.. The How.. and a little of The when..
Its the Reason..
The who: Only the most important person in my life!
The what: My desire to do more. My desire to get more involved.
The why: The why rests in the wall marked -
Joann M Crites
Rest in Peace
The when: April 2, 1959-Oct 26, 1999
The how: And so the story begins..
This is where the "and a little of the when" takes place. Why you ask? Because I was young.. and times and dates were not important to me. Is that why I was never really good in Social Studies?!
This is based on distant memories, so I am sure.. if you stick with me through this.. that you will hear a lot of "I remember" or "If I remember correctly". This is honestly something that I have wanted to do for a very long time. It has taken me awhile. A very long time to be exact. Just talking about this story brought me to tears. That is not me, in any way, saying that now is any easier. They say that times heals pain. Well I say, that whoever came up with that quote had never lost any one close to their heart. That's what I say.
My Mom! My Friend! My Hero! I will forever love and miss you!
I was going to Troy High School, and I was accepted into the Sponsor-A-Scholar Program. Charles Riccio was my guidance counselor, and he was a big part of my life at this time. I was good in school, it seemed to come naturally to me. Well, during the summers after being accepted into the program, Mr. Riccio got some of the SAS students summer jobs. Of course, it wasn't just a job, more like work study. I loved my "job" tho. We worked at St. Mary's hospital, and my job consisted of admin work in the surgery center, and working on the 3rd floor, which was the floor for the patients going to and coming from surgery. To get into all of my daily tasks would mean I would be getting more off track then I already am. The mornings would consist of our volunteer services, and after lunch would be our "Classroom" time.
My mom, step dad, me and Principal at a Sponsar-A-Scholar event
Now, you have to understand one thing.. My mom had the heart of gold! She was a lover, and everyone loved her! My mom was someone I can turn to at any point in time. I talked to her about anything, I told her everything! She truly was my best friend!
She had also been through a lot throughout her entire life. Un-happy events, ultimately led her to a happy place in life. For once, she was truly happy.
Me and some of the S.A.S. kids working at St. Mary's
One day, while in "class", My mom and step-dad came in to take me home early. I was riding in the car with my mom and step dad, wondering what was going on. They wouldn't just pick me up for no reason. And to be honest, I don't even remember the reason they said when they picked me up, sad I know! What kind of story is that right?! I also don't even remember how they told me. All I remember is that, I was there for her. Why wouldn't I be? After all, she was my best friend. I went to every single appointment with her. Every single radiation and chemo treatment, you better believe I sat in the waiting room! It was a long and challenging road, from bad reactions to medications, and stares when my mom didn't have a wig on. Thinking back now, this all took place during high school. Those awkward years in life when kids experiment, lie to their parents, sneak out, and get in trouble. I for one, never experienced any of it. That I am grateful for!
She's in remission! Praise god! My mom survived!! My mom beat breast cancer!! You can not even begin to imagine how ecstatic we were! Life was great again!! We could be happy, with no concerns! And the great news just began to flow! You can not even begin to imagine how ecstatic I was to hear "The rabbit died" *It is a common misconception that the injected rabbit would die only if the woman was pregnant. This led to the phrase "the rabbit died" being used as a euphemism for a positive pregnancy test* My mom, fresh out chemo and radiation, new to the remission stage, had this MIRACLE baby growing inside of her!! How? How could this happen?! The doctors were in disbelief. Its almost impossible, with all the chemicals..
Another short story, my step-dad was married before my mom and had a step-daughter, and now he took on 5 more step-children, but none of his own. His biggest wish was for a child to call his OWN. Granted, he loved us like his own, but I am certain every man wishes to have someone to carry on his name. With that said, life was great!! My mom survived, and she granted my step-fathers wish.
Mommy and her cute preggo belly!!
My mom had a very tough pregnancy! She had gestational diabetes, gall stones, and I'm sure other things I am forgetting to mention. She was miserable, although very happy about the baby. Her and my step-father picked out 4 names, 2 for each gender. The names were Brittany or Destiny for a girl and Adam or Benjamin for a boy. After finding out they were having a boy, I decided (at 14 years old) that I wanted to throw her a baby shower! And I was determined to make it the best baby shower ever!! I was doing another summer program, this time at Hudson Valley Community College, so I planned on funding everything while my sister and our best friends (more like sisters) Donna Spaulding, Kristine and Jami Sousis and Erica Adkinson, helped us pick out decorations, get games, come up with food ideas. We even got ahold of my mom's address book and invited all of our family and her friends. She had absolutely NO idea! And I proud to say that the baby shower was a HUGE success!!! We had sooo much food! and we had so many people show up! and we got tons of compliments on how well of a job we did. I truly believe that my mom was proud of us that day!
Charity, Jami Sousis, Donna Spaulding
Erica Adkinson, My mommy, Kristine Sousis
and me, The day of my mom's baby shower.
On October 1, 1998, my mom gave birth to a very healthy baby boy named Benjamin Nathaniel. He was as cute as can be!!! My mom was in the hospital with him during one of the dances at our school. All of us, and some of our friends, got all dressed up and stopped at the hospital first, to see my mom and my new baby brother! And of course we all got pictures taken with her. My friends loved my mom liked their own, and the same for us with Kristine and Jami's mom Robin. Its the people that are involved in your life, through the most difficult times, that you will never forget! and who will always hold a special place in your heart.
Michael, Erica, Charity, Kristine, Marc, Me, Mom and Ben.
School dance Oct 1998
One proud daddy! Carl and Ben.
Earlier I mentioned the complications during pregnancy. One of them being gall stones. Well, after giving birth, the doctors decided they wanted to remove my mom's gall bladder. When they went in for surgery, is when our lives changed forever! They found a spot on her liver, and the tests came back positive for cancer. If you don't already know, now you will. Once cancer gets into your liver, its terminal. Thinking back to when she was in remission, my mom went back to get checked to make sure everything was clear. A spot showed up on her x-rays, the doctors shrugged it off saying it was just a nipple. Only to later find out that nipples don't show up on x-rays. Now, whether they did or not back in 98-99, I have no idea. I am pretty sure they do now tho, after asking a few people.
Life was rough. We were ALL young. Our mom was dying, 3 of us were in high school, Our 2 youngest brothers were 8, and a newborn!! My mom couldn't work, my step-dad had to support all of us. Needless to say, we were poor. I'm not ashamed to say it, maybe I was then. Maybe I was ashamed that we were on Section 8, and food stamps, and wic. I'm not now. There were 8 people living under our roof, with the expenses of a newborn.. living on my step-dad's pay. My mom was very sick, which made life that much harder. We all, especially my sister and I, grew up quick! We took on the responsibilities of house mom. We cooked, and cleaned, and did laundry, and took care of Ben (and Matt), and helped my mom and dad in any way we could.
Me feeding Ben
I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the exact events.. My dad was working, and us kids were all home. My mom walked out of her bedroom wearing a sweatshirt, and that is all! She seemed disoriented and couldn't talk. We immediately called my step-father, who advised us to call 911 and headed home. They had to take my mom to to hospital by ambulance. **Update from my sister "October 16, I was at work at McDonalds. Carl came to work and told me I had to go, there was an emergency at home and we needed to get to the hospital." ** My mom, at this point, had NO IDEA who we were! I cried! It was very devastating, knowing that this might be it.. this might be it and she has no idea who I am.
After tests, they realized that the cancer spread to her brain, which caused swelling. With radiation, they were able to reduce the swelling.. which allowed that side of her brain to function again. While my mom was in the hospital, she constantly asked where me and charity were. I would visit every chance I got. But, I have to admit that I did not go as often as I should have! My mom gradually started getting worse. They moved her to a Hospice room (the room you go to when you are dying). The doctors wanted my step-dad to make a difficult decision.. To pull the plug, or not to pull the plug. That is one decision that I would have never been able to make! We had family flying and driving in from everywhere, we knew it would happen, and soon.
Ben and mom! Their last picture together.
On October 26 1999, 25 days after my baby brother turned 1, my mom reached towards the sky, put her arm down, took her last breath and passed away. All of our family and friends by her side. Not me, I looked in from the doorway. That is one thing I will ALWAYS regret, I never said goodbye. My mom should not have had to ask where I was when she was in the hospital. I should have been there! I should have been there every second I could!
and that is one thing that I do, and always will regret. I was so busy wallowing in my own self pity, that I didn't take ....
that I didn't take the 5 steps to her bedside, to take her hand and tell her how much I truly love her! and that I will always think about her! And that she was the world to me, that she meant the world to me! That no one else in this lifetime could ever replace her! and that I will one day tell my kids stories about their grandmother! and to tell her good-bye. It hurt too much then, and it still does! Time does not heal pain. Especially, when I look into the eyes of my son, and see her! He has his grandmothers eyes, like I have my grandmothers eyes!
Signature,
Eyes: Wet
Mouth: Curved down at the corners.
Wish: One more day...
-AngelEyes 102699
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